Over 1.5 years ago, I moved out of my home after 12 years of marriage. I woke up early that morning (did I sleep at all?) and waited for my husband to leave. He already knew that I was most probably going to move out that day. He did nothing to stop me. He didn't kiss his little girl good-bye. He just left for work as usual. I loaded my car with whatever I could fit in there. Then I woke up my little girl, got her ready for her second week in first grade, and loaded her into the car with our belongings and the dog. I dropped her off in front of her new school and kissed her good-bye. As out of character as it was, I didn't walk her inside, I was in no shape to do so. And thus, started our voyage into the abyss.
Things were supposed to get better. "You don't need that kind of abuse," they told me, "you're better off on your own," they told me, "he will have to pay you some support," they told me. But things keep getting worse. We will soon have to sell our home. My temporary support only covers the mortgage and the car payments. And the economy is not helping.
I sometimes wonder how I managed to fall so far. How do you go from being a young woman with an advanced degree who owns her own house and has a relatively comfortable life to being a single mom who wonders how she's going to feed her kid in a few months? There is a part of me that thinks that I've done nothing to deserve this. I tried to be the best wife and mother I could be. I gave what I had to my husband so that he could start his own business and be successful. And successful he is, at least, as far as the business is concerned. What I did, however, was that I gave my power away. At first, it was only the financial power, but then others followed. I gave away my power to have a say in our financial lives, and eventually I was at the point where I had given away the power to have an opinion about anything that mattered.
It is easy to look at me as the silly, naive woman. But as I look around, at the situation of our country in general, and economy in particular, I have to ask myself, is this a common human trait? Don't we all, at times, default to someone who we perceive as knowing more? There is a real dilemma here. After all, we can't all have PhD.s in all areas of life. We trusted those who had expertise in politics, economics, real estate, banking,and the like to lead us in the right direction. We believed our elected representatives to have an appropriate set of checks and balances in place so we would not fall so far. Is trust really a big gamble whose outcome we can't predict until the final results are out?
Maybe the answer, at least partially, is to trust slowly; to keep in mind that trusting is a process not an event. But most importantly, that believing in ourselves and our abilities should be the foundation of all major life decisions. After all, while trusting others means taking a leap of faith, trusting ourselves is a necessity for survival. By this, I don't mean an abstract self-helpish thing. I just mean that if you have questions, they are probably valid; ask them. If you have doubts, figure out what they are, and address them. It's your life, be reasonably confident before you put somebody else on the driver's seat.
I know that one day all of this will be behind me. That I will, at some point, land on my feet. I also know that at the end of this process, I will be a better rounded individual because of it. But here's the lesson in all of this. You know more about yourself, your lifestyle, and your comfort level than anybody else. Trust that knowledge. It can come in the form of nagging questions or uneasy feelings, or a sense of release. But whatever shape it takes, it deserves your attention. And if there is something relevant to your life, you'd better be sure to learn about it as much as you can before it's put in the hands of another. They might know more than you do, but they can't possibly care more.
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